Having difficult conversations about disappointment
Let’s face it, there is a lot of disappointment in this year. Weddings postponed, funerals unattended. Birthday parties and playdates cancelled. A wedding is not just an event, it’s symbolic, takes lots of planning, and behind the event hides the desire to be celebrated and to share love among your closest circle. For kids, sleepover parties and teenage trips are cancelled, leaving many disappointed.
photo by: Arwan Suntanto
How can we talk to family and friends, about our decisions to cancel these events that all have so much meaning behind them?
Here are a few tips:
Talk about it early on.
There’s already so much uncertainty for kids and adults this year - pandemic, protests, politics, schools going remote last minute, some people going on playdates and playing sports and others not. It's important to communicate clearly during this time of uncertainty. It helps to mitigate anxiety with all the unknowns so people aren’t let down at the last minute.
2. Be clear on the decision.
Before you engage in a conversation about the cancelled event, make sure you’re clear on your decision. If children sense any kind of ambivalence, they’ll search for that leverage point to get you to change your mind. Own the decision with confidence.
3. Ask the child what they’re feeling.
Not all kids are feeling what we assume. I'm seeing this a lot, where parents will assume the kids will struggle with school closures or not going to a birthday party, etc. but when I talk to the child, they're actually okay with it. We should always ask the kids what they think and how they feel, instead of always assuming.
4. Start the conversation with empathy.
Especially for children, since their rational part of the brain (frontal lobes) aren’t as developed as their emotional part (limbic system) of the brain. But for adults as well, starting with empathy helps the recipient more able to actually listen to you. Maybe it’s “Sorry, honey, I know you love sleepovers, and really want to be with your friends. It is really sad.” Acknowledge their feelings - the sadness, disappointment.
5. Give your alternative.
Give options if you aren’t sure, to help kids feel more in control with choice. Maybe you give the option of outdoor playdates, making cards or gifts for friends instead, or brainstorming a fun project they can do together.
6. State your reasoning.
We should always remind people that we aren’t trying to be mean - we have reasons for our actions. For younger kids, some understand the metaphor with dominos. “The virus is like a row of dominos. You bump into one by mistake, and there’s a whole line that falls down. We don’t want to cause that to happen.” For older kids and adults, I use the metaphor with cigarette smoke. You can see the smoke in the air when a smoker is talking or blows smoke. That’s like the virus, but we can’t see it. So when you are talking close to someone, you can breathe in their smoke, as we can breathe in the virus (yes, the duration and concentration matter, but this is just a crude metaphor).
7. Use compassion and limits.
If kids become upset, we acknowledge and validate their feelings - the anger, disappointment, sadness. There's hope, longing, excitement, that are all lost. We acknowledge that and let our kids know that we get it, and wish it could be different - we are on the same team. Then if the child goes into tantrums or has difficulty regulating, we put compassionate limits and tell them, “it's okay to be super angry, but it's not okay to hit your sister or smash your truck.” And we remind them of the why: “because covid is still active and we care about others. We don't want to get people sick, and we don't want to get sick either." And that reinforces a value of consideration and kindness for others.
Feel free to check out my interview with Facebook, for HelloGiggles here. Or stop by my websites for more resources on how to help children during tough times, and support our own mental health. And please follow me on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter to join a conversation!