Handling the Rocky Return to Normal Life

Sahran was excited for her first year out of college. She packed her lucky socks, bought new twin-sized bedsheets as well as a tapestry to put on her new apartment wall. Her new job was starting and she was up to the challenge of “adulting”—meal planning, figuring out how to pay rent, deciding what kinds of plates to have for dinner parties. Little did she know the plates would barely get use. With the onslaught of the pandemic, she was whisked back to her parents’ home, tail between her legs with the loss of her newfound freedom. “It’s humiliating” she told me, “I’ve gone back in time like I’m in high school again.”

I’ve been fascinated, watching my young adult patients (18-25 years old) parlay their independence while moving in with parents. They argued, grieved, and protested for awhile. And while one might anticipate a regression to their younger selves, I’ve seen most all of them become much closer to their core—their values and identities. The closing of bars, clubs, parties, and clubs were isolating and jarring, but many young people used the time introspectively to reflect on their friendships and what they want out of life. By removing a lot of the social noise and having basic securities taken care of, many young people were in a liminal space where they could take on adult responsibilities (finding a job, doing chores, paying rent, ct) while also going through a crisis together.

Now that many people are again leaving their parents’ homes, they are returning to a familiar state that feels unfamiliar. Their apartments haven’t changed, but they have. How can we manage a somewhat rocky return to “normal” life, after we’ve had transformative experiences that have changed our very sense of self?

1. Attend to the small wins

   Adulting, across all age groups, is hard: doing your own laundry, figuring out what to eat for dinner, interacting with a difficult coworker or peer, being responsible for or having another depend on you. There are different factors that go into an individual’s sense of being an adult. It may be living away from parents, having a career, being financially independent, or starting one’s own family. All of these factors were influenced by the pandemic. But there’s also something special especially about moving back to a home in which you grew up in. Where there are mementos of your younger self- a 4th grade spelling award or a poster of your favorite band in high school. Take these as reminders of who you were back then, and how much you’ve changed and grown.

2. Remember why you moved back

   We were in the middle of a new pandemic where threats of death became part of daily life. Jobs were cut. Relationships were in turmoil. Most people wanted to be with those you love, and who love you fully. Those who are parents saved not only rent but also child care. Some moved back to take care of their parents or loved ones who were sick. As the realities of the pandemic raged on, with waves and confusion and more waves, many young adults, while annoyed and feeling trapped by living with their parents, also confided their gratitude for the safety. It’s okay to feel fortunate or lucky to be able to have a family that you can depend on. For many people, that’s not a given. 

3. Focus on why you want to move out

   There’s always a push-pull in transitions: a push to move forward with our developmental lives and a pull back towards safety, to what we know. Of course we’ll experience the pull back, because we don’t know what the future looks like. And that’s okay. Because exploring and taking risks into the unknown are all part of developing a sense of self. 

4. Focus on who you want to become

   Anchoring is an important part of attachment. When we feel secure and anchored, we are more able to explore, take risks, and initiate. Nothing is that permanent. You can try living out those big dreams and if they dont’ come to fruition, you change course. 

5. Connect—with others and with yourself

   Oftentimes, people are scared to “adult”, because for many, that means being on your own. But adults don’t have to be alone—and shouldn’t be. So find others to connect with and share your space, time, hopes and fears with. Be intentional about who you choose to be friends with. Your family is the one you create, so be thoughtful about who you have join your inner circle.

   You can also finding a little corner of your own—a room or apartment, so you can feel free to be yourself. You dn’t have to stop doing things you loved in adolescence. If you did art, horseback riding, soccer, piano, continue to do all of those things that brought you joy. Adults definitely need to play more.

   
   The moving of adult children moving back with family during the pandemic is an opportunity to shift our society’s values and beliefs about family and independence. I also work globally, and think America could use stronger intergenerational bonds that bring new closeness, while also having the space to self-reflect on who we are and how we want to live.

   
   If you’d like to read more, here’s the Washington Post story where I was interviewed on this topic, or the Mental Health Field Notes. Feel free to drop me a message with any questions or comments, and sign up for my newsletter for upcoming talks and events!